Following the remake of It and its sequel It Chapter Two, the TV spinoff couldn’t just be another version of Pennywise roaming the shadows of a small town, so we now find the evil clown in what’s probably the scariest place of all — a position of power.

Our protagonist has stepped directly into the limelight as the vice president of the United States. …

I am the guy who claps when we land.

You know who I am.

I’m the guy who’s always seated a couple rows in front of you on your flights, who plays a vital role in getting our plane, and all planes, really, safely on the ground.

I am the guy who claps when we land.

“Claptain America,” if you will. (And no, that doesn’t mean that I got gonorrhea from the Mile High Club.)

But one little sweep of this measly pandemic and suddenly planes are more grounded than a rebellious teenager. It’s especially hard for me, because I was brought up to clap. My father was a…

Image Copyright: SONY (Fair Use)

Dear Academy,

After seeing your nominations for this year’s Oscar contenders, I couldn’t help but notice that one movie was missing. A star-studded masterpiece that has more action, adventure, romance AND comedy than all the other nominees combined. I’m obviously talking about Jumanji: The Next Level.

How could you overlook this instant classic? It’s called “The Next Level” for a reason. Just look at the cast! The Rock, Jack Black, and Kevin Hart rocking it with legends Danny DeVito and Donald Glover. You can’t tell me they aren’t giving The Irishman a run for their money with this epic line-up.

Image credit: Getty Images (Fair Use)

“A woman? Huh, how about that?”

“I guess, she got bored hanging around bars with no men hitting on her.”

“Her scoreboard is bound to end up like all my attempts to reason with my wife: pointless.”

“But maybe with all these drunk guys around, she should finally have some luck. Am I right or am I right?”

“You know, I once saw a woman throwing darts at a bar. I said, ‘Excuse me, miss?’ And then she did.”

“The last time I saw a woman spend that much time in front of a dartboard, she ended up with pierced…

Image by Alberto Sanchez from Pixabay

Silence! The Court is prepared to proceed to sentencing.

This decision has not been made lightly, but after reviewing all the evidence carefully, there is only one reasonable conclusion.

By the power vested in me, as your mother, it is with a grave heart that I sentence you to start wearing a bra.

Order in the courtroom!

Will the defendant please tell her father to calm down and stop bawling out “My sweet little baby girl! WHYYYYAYAYYAYA?!?!”

I’m sorry, Peter, but our daughter has reached a point in her life where her chestical area needs to be confined. I know…

By Insurance Institute for Highway Safety —, CC BY-SA 3.0,


“Sure, I can go again.”

“Ride or die!”

“Oh thank god, a Volvo.”

“No seatbelt? No problem!”

“To infinity and beyond!”

“Catch you on the flip side.”

“Oh cool, I’ve never tried an electric scooter before.”

“Hi, I’m here to fill in for Greg?”

“Carpe that Diem!”

“Okay, last ride and then I’m quitting.”

“You sure I shouldn’t start off with something a little simpler on my first day?

“No, I don’t have a license.”

“I can’t believe I’m the first one to try a self-driving car. ”

“Sorry, boss, did you say ‘no breaks’ or ‘no brakes’?”


“Have no fear of perfection, you’ll never reach it.” — Salvador Dali

“Success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom.” — George S. Patton

“If your presence doesn’t make an impact, your absence won’t make a difference.” — Trey Smith

“Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone.” — Pablo Picasso

“Failure isn’t fatal, but failure to change might be.” — John Wooden

“The question isn’t who is going to let me; it’s who is going to stop me.” — Ayn Rand

“You don’t have to go fast… You just have to…

Image credit: NASA. (Fair Use.)

“Women? Huh, how about that.“

Houston, we have a problem, we can’t park the shuttle. HA!”

“Probably a publicity stunt.”

“It’s kinda like when they put that Ruth girl on the Supreme Court.”

“But hey, at least NASA is saving some money.”

“And if we sent all women up there, we could finally get some peace and quiet. Am I right or am I right?”

“I wonder how long it took them to get ready for that spacewalk. If they are anything like your aunt Carol, they were at least 45 minutes late.”

“If one of them got pregnant up…

Christina Anaya Mortensen

Loves writing about anything dark and disturbing that threatens the well-being of mankind — like Frozen 2 for instance. @laughterofbones

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